Yum Yum.

I was cashiering the other day at the grocery store I work at. It was the end of my second hour, and I was ready to get off and take a Diet Coke break. I get a family of three. Clean cut mommy and daddy, and a little tyke, about 2 1/2, 3 years old. I'm doing my thing, ringing up all the food they brought. I have to lean into the cart to get the last few things, under the part where the kids' chair on a cart sits.

As I reach under to get the last few items, the kid reaches out, and grabs my boob. It's not painful, but he's got me by the tit, so naturally I am ill at ease. He looks at me with a big smile, and breath that smells like cheese crackers.

"YUM YUM!"

I'm in shock, and then laughter bubbles up from inside me. What the hell. The mother, mortified, apologizes to me profusely. The father just had to take it to the next level unfortunately.

"HAHA, THE KID'S GOT GOOD TASTE!" Thus, making a cute story REALLY CREEPY.

Every day I'm puzzlin'...

My coworker Danielle told me a great story the other day, and I thought I'd share it with you.

Danielle was approached by a chinese lady, probably in her late 50s. She politely asked the lady is there was anything she could help her find. To this, the lady says, "BROCALONI."

Broccoli? Nope. Baby Brocolli? Nope. Is it a vegetable? Nope.

This went on for a while. Finally, Danielle took a shot in the dark. "Do you mean macaroni?"

The lady was looking for macaroni and cheese in a box.

Sometimes silence is best.

Once, I was ringing up a customer who was very quiet. I greeted him genuinely with a "Hi! How are you today?" Nothing. Ok...fuck you guy. Whatever. I go on ringing. I notice that he has dog treats. Maybe he's one of these guys that just can't seem to talk to anyone unless it's something of interest to them! I go for the dog to try and open up a conversation.
"These are great! My dog loves these! What kind of dog do you have?"
He looked up at me, from caterpillar eyebrows furrowed on a greasy brow. He then said, "Ain't got no dog." His swollen belly jutted as he spoke, making the stains on his shirt dance.
The moral of this story? Silence is better than Awkward/Horrified Silence.

Story Post; Lick your lips.

Six months at my first real job. I'm not a bagger anymore, but a cashier. I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself. Self sufficiency is the name of the game. Nothing says I'm an adult like going to work, and college. fancy that.

Inner monologue is amazing in the last few hours of the day, because that's when you just wanna jump off of something high. Any distraction will do. 5pm to 2am always paves the way for a long and exhausting evening, no matter where you work. Safeway is no different, but I bet it is still worse than others.
This particular evening was shaping up to be like all the others. I wasn't looking forward to all the drunks coming in to get more booze, or the homeless people using their money, aka occasional toilet paper to pay with. Grin and bear it. Make money. Buy cute shit. Inner monologue, what would I do without you?

12:30am rolls around. Last break just wraps up, and I'm back on register 4. The computer makes a loud hum, and the enter key on the keyboard is missing. Whatever. Next customer. This woman walks up, and stares at me. Her boyfriend, still talking to her about something that happened that evening pauses to see what she's looking at.

She leans in, and says with such wonder and awe, "Look at them...look at her lips!" As her mouth opens and she exhales, I can smell the bitter sweet smell of booze as her wet tongue moves up to sloppily run along her own lips. "You have amazing lips." She says again, not fair enough away from me.

Creep Factor: REAL CREEPY.

(I actually have a special kind of lip shape known as cupid's bow. Fascinating, I know.)

Amazing experiences with the English impaired.

We all face many challenges in the workplace trying to meet the needs of our customers. The product may be out, or late coming in, or simply GONE. It could be a long wait to check out, or a scavenger's list of random items.
Or maybe it's just the fact that customers are asking incorrectly. We've all had that experience. My personal favorites are always the language boundaries barely bilingual customers.

"Noodles for cake", "Juice for sushi", or my favorite, "Yorba Mate".

Noodles for cake: When you use whipped cream in a can, it can make a noodle like shape. On cake, it could appear like noodles, if you do it in a circle, which is the most common form of dispensing canned cream.

Juice for Sushi: Soy Sauce.

Yorba Mate: It is not your partner doing "Yorba". It is Yerba Mate, the tea. Yer-Bah Mah-Tey.

Once, I was helping a lady look for nuts. She asked me if I had any Hozzel Newts. What the hell. I was like...Hazelnuts...? DAH! She exclaims, happily. Later I found out that my coworker told her that Hozzel Newt was the proper pronunciation. Long story short: WE ARE JERKS.


Also got the background up and running. Pretty effing cute! Do you have any stories to share about lovely language butchering?

The project begins!

Hey everyone! I got a great idea while I was reading "I Saw You" on the can one day. A collaborative comic would be so much fun! Have a few writers, a few artists, and maybe even a satirical poet or two help us share stories about customer service experiences?! What a truly amazing idea. Lord knows I could write a series of novels on my experiences alone, but it takes all kinds of situations to really make worth the read!

So, I am looking for everything and anything! These are just little bits of stories to jar your memories!

Good Stories:In a world of total brats and assholes, I get run into by the one child that knows how to say "excuse me." There is still hope for humanity.

Bad Stories: I had just walked in the store, and was attacked by double chin mcforehead vein over the fact that people weren't using the corn husk trash can.

Sad Stories: She just looked at me and cried silently. After her card was declined 4 times, she walked away with nothing.

Gross Stories: Fucking used Q-Tips ALL OVER the STORE.

AMAZING Parental discipline stories: The kid wouldn't say thank you for the sticker I gave her, so her mom gave it back and said, "If you can't stay thank you, then don't deserve it."

Homeless people stories: "HE DOES WHAT?" "Washes his balls in the sink. We try to keep an eye on him." "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

"REALLY?" Moments: He asked me with a mouth full of demo food if we had something...and proceeded to keep spitting it in my face as he tried to tell me. Then when I figured out he wanted whipping cream, he asked me if it was for making "cake noodles".

AAAAnd the list goes on. You don't have the be the person who experienced it, but please make sure your source is comfortable with you sharing the stories. Company names and the names of people will be kept out of it if requested.

please drop me a line at melloxellos@aol.com if you have a story you'd like to share. I don't have much in the way of NEW works about customer service, but I dug up this one to give an idea of what can come of these stories!